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To Engage or Not?

It is not an issue of morality, but of biology.

No matter how sophisticated, cultured, religious or educated we like to portray ourselves, the main driving force in humans, is biological.

Generally speaking, men prefer the company of other men and women the company of other women. Except when their biological impulse kicks in.

Its not an issue of morality but biology.

Males, are designed by nature, to pursue as many females as possible in the hope of mating with them and passing on their genes. Females, on the other hand choose males carefully and the timing when they will bond and mate to ensure best survival of their offspring. Until then, the females have to rebuff and dodge the attention of males they do not select.

The natural pairing process between the sexes follows these steps.

  • Eye contact
  • A very very subtle involuntary rise in eyebrows
  • On and off gaze, (extended eye contact).
  • The ice breaker which could be, a smile, wave, greeting, gift etc.
  • Conversational interaction and some engagement
  • Possible start of a relationship.

Females, can sense from the corner of their eye when others are checking them out. However, they often choose not to acknowledge the presence by simply avoiding direct eye contact. Its simple, if eye contact does not happen, the possibility of both positive or negative engagement is rare.

That is why in many orthodox societies, women were made to don the veil. They could view the male but the male could not make eye contact. Possibility of social and sexual engagement between strangers and non validated males with the female is thus minimised.

Not all interactions are for pairing.

Humans like all animals, seek dominance over others, self preservation or protection of their young. It can often lead to confrontation, violence and sometimes even death.

The following sequence typifies the start of conflict.

  • Eye contact
  • A very very subtle involuntary rise in eyebrows acknowledgment of the other.
  • The glare (extended and threatening eye contact).
  • Heated verbal exchange
  • Possible flashpoint and conflict


Observing women I have learnt to minimise conflict in my life. Here is how ....

For example when I drive my car. I occasionally offend other drivers without meaning to, resulting in dirty glares and blowing horns. Initially I would react, shout back at them. This sometimes led to road rage and conflict.

As I evolved, I realised how primal and stupid this behaviour was. I had nothing to prove. Why should I engage with a person in a nasty frame of mind? Someone I would probably never meet again in my life? I am no coward, but instead of reacting I began to respond.

While being completely aware of the glare and the horns, I simply pretend that I have not noticed their presence nor to acknowledge any offence I may have caused. It is frustrating and impossible for a person seeking confrontation when the other person is seemingly oblivious of their presence.


Socially, I come across people who are bothersome and disrespectful, who add no particular value to life, while sapping my energy and time. So I simply refuse to acknowledge them, nor their barbs, and negativity.

If I do find myself engaged with a negative person, I tactfully reduce or terminate my interactions and the negativity just fades away.

Its always better to respond rather than react. ***

~ Gurvinder Singh
   July 2018

Header Image by Sanjay Kothari

Gurvinder Singh

Gurvinder Singh is an engineer by education, Industrialist by professional experience. I have travelled and  conducted business both India and abroad (34 countries). 

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